Open Eyes

     I've got some things on my mind I just need to write down...Yes, I know that's what a journal is for. But I decided to write these things on here instead just incase someone out there needs to know he/she is not alone.
     When did life get hard? I have always thought things that are out of our control happen because Heavenly Father wants them to happen that way. To make us stronger perhaps. To give experiences that can help others. My believing that doesn't take away from the aching of my heart completely...but it gives hope.
     I went from not knowing I was pregnant, learning I was pregnant, feeling so scared and worried, feeling extreme happiness and excitement (but still scared), to losing the baby all in a matter of 5 days. 5 days!!!! I never thought I could feel so many clear emotions in such a short amount of time. I will admit, the pregnancy was a complete surprise...but somehow that doesn't help make the emptiness any better. Emotional rollacoaster at its finest. Going through something like this is hard even if it was a surprise and early on. I started picking out names, planning things in my mind, and even made a secret board on Pinterest with some seriously cute pins.
     Now, my eyes are open. My life is in Heavenly Father's control. I know that this experience has made Wes and I stronger...even though it's still hard, I have faith in His plan for my family and me. I have become a little more spiritually in tune, I have thought more about my priorities in life, and ultimately I know now without a doubt that I want to be a mommy. Before it all seemed so far fetched that I could have enough love for a child to put up with the whole crying in the middle of the night thing, not being able to freely do things when I wanted, things like that. I want to nurture, protect, create, guide, love, cuddle, sing bedtime songs, and feel that connection. All i can think about is having that baby.
     I have hope. I have faith. Life is a beautiful thing full of ups and downs, smiles and tears. This is just one of those hard things that Wes and I needed to go through..the reasoning I'm not 100% sure of, but I know it gets better. In life, I have so many things to be grateful for, innumerable things. My husband, my family, the Gospel, being sealed to my husband forever, the school that I go to, my puppy, my health, my warm apartment...so many things!! Life is about learning, growing, and becoming the best you can be.